Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
inventing words: clothing
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Many hands make light work
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
People buying plungers never look happy.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.