Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
You Might Also Like
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me too 😆
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.