coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.