[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I’ve been drinking.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks