Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”