Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
When libraries troll their patrons.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.