@itsthatAsh: Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like "Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit."
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@pixelatedboat: *Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump* Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@Donna_McCoy: "I hate seeing you like this," she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
@KateWhineHall: I misspelled the word "camouflage" so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.