People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.