My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*