I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends