“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
You Might Also Like
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.