Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*