COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
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A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective