@MaryKoCo: Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
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@david8hughes: [drops son off for 1st day at daycare] "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock." "Not a chance. He's your problem now."
@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
@seamussaid: FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys