(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
This was a bad idea all around
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
can’t catch a break
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Good morning!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree