@MaryKoCo: Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
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@TEXASVETERAN: Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking? Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.
@StarWarsProblms: Anakin: How do we get in? Obi-Wan: We'll be stealthy. *turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
@SteveKoehler22: She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*