7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”