[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.