*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
waiting for halloween be like:
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
every. time.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them