*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
asked my bf how work was today
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
This forever.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name