[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
good let them take over I have had enough
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.