@Douchekevin: Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.

@sarcasticmommy4: I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

@LindaInDisguise: Siri, make me pancakes. You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you're drunk.

@KeetPotato: [rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* "yo you a cop" um no "hmm ok what you want" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*

@Marlebean: Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"