[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.