[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.