[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
You Might Also Like
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.