[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.