[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop