[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.