[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.