{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
same vibe as tangled headphones
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do