[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
AM I BEING GASLIT????
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My dog after a walk in the woods.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician