[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
That lamp looks PISSED.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Pat is about to own someone
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
#CoronaOutbreak
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways