[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
BETRAYAL
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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