[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?