[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.