[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.