[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
#ProTip
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
That de-escalated quickly
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
What my back needs
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”