[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
OKAY DAD
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me