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@SteveSuckington: [commercial for rakes]
"Are u tired of eating leaves?"
@GrantTanaka: *goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
@Parkerlawyer: No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon."
@VodkaShorebird: A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces "coyote".
@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!
- Don't be selfish, think about the baby.
- What baby?
- Oh, so you're not pregnant?
@sachinsebastian: I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours.