[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Your honor these allegations are
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?