[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it