[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this