[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
True statement👍😏😁
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.