[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I forgot how to panic. Help
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?