[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“What?”
– Jude
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend