[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT