[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
You Might Also Like
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“The Perfect Relationship”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.