[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“and how does that make you feel?”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.