@bea_ker: [date slides her top down her shoulder to show me a scar] I got this surfing [I show her my grotesque balls] I was born like this I think

@Darlainky: It's like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

@SamGrittner: My wedding will be open casket.

@Lisabug74: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

@njlitigator: Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens