@FatherWithTwins: Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you - from your parents' perspective.

@ArfMeasures: HER: Does your dog do any tricks? ME: I taught him to lie on the bed H: That's not impressive lol DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@pmclellan: To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

@7notyours: Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake. Dog-1 Human-0

@AristotlesNZ: I don't know how you women do it. Every time I try to "sleep my way to the top" I get woken up and sent to HR.