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“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.