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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
He took my last fry, your honor
is this a threat
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.