[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
HOW DARE YOU
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet