[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
.. do you even science?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.