[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
$3 #books
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?