I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You Might Also Like
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I see your IQ test came back negative
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why